Forgiveness

It is almost impossible to move through this world without hurting others. We are hurt, AND we hurt others. This does not mean that we, or others, are bad. It is a sign of our humanity. Sometimes offensive behavior is done out of ignorance, there is an unawareness that the behavior is hurtful. Other times we hurt or are hurt, out of anger, despair, fear, insecurity, sadness, or some other emotion. In this case, the offender knowingly harms. Forgiveness is the ability to let go of the anger, pain, sadness, resentment, etc. left by the incident. But, how do we forgive?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.” – St. Augustine

Apologize

Forgiveness requires humility. As the offender, we must be willing to lay aside ego, accept responsibility for our actions and apologize. It is painful to know that we have hurt another and sometimes we cling to being right or defending our actions, out of a need to not feel the pain – we don’t want to be guilty. This is natural and self-preserving of our identity as a good person. The lack of admission of guilt destroys trust and relationships. We must ask ourselves, “Is being right, or perceived as a good person, more important to me than this relationship?” If it is not, it is time to apologize.

What makes an apology?

ForgivenessAccording to Dr. Fred Luskin, a professor and forgiveness researcher at Stanford University, to be forgiven a REAL APOLOGY must have the following four parts:

  1. Admission of wrongdoing
  2. Recognition that the wrongdoing hurt another
  3. “I’m sorry”
  4. Commitment to make amends and/or to not repeat the offense

What happens when someone won’t apologize to me?

The struggle that we find ourselves in is that we get hurt and the offending party refuses to accept responsibility or is no longer alive. Yet, here we sit in anger, pain, and resentment.

It is time to forgive yourself for being hurt in the first place. This requires an understanding of how you feel about the incident that hurt you, diving beneath the anger. You may be upset that you put yourself in that position. “I KNEW I should not have trusted ____,” “I cannot BELIEVE that ____ did this again,” or, “How could I have not seen what ____ was doing!” We are naturally loving and trusting beings. We want to believe that others are always loving and trusting.

The reality is that anyone can behave in an unloving or untrusting manner, sometimes, and the reasons for why others hurt us are complicated. Think about the last time you were upset, and someone tried to fix your feelings for you. You might have lashed out at that person and in turn, hurt their feelings. Does that make you a bad person? No, it means that you are human. This understanding helps us to know that the person that hurts us is not always doing it on purpose. Yes, there are exceptions; sometimes, people are downright malicious.

Forgiveness is not excusing or condoning the behavior. It is about letting go of pain and finding peace within your own heart. When someone is spiteful, knowingly hurtful, forgiveness is much harder. The practice of forgiveness can still ease one’s personal pain. Sometimes a person that has caused you and others pain is simply never held accountable for it. Regardless, wouldn’t you like to be free of the pain and suffering that comes with holding onto the hurt?

The Practice of Forgiveness

  1. Start small – forgive someone you love for a minor incident
  2. Forgive the person in your heart, before you say it out loud
  3. Write a letter of understanding and forgiveness – you do not need to send it to the individual unless you want to
  4. Ask yourself what you NEED and find a way to give that to yourself or get it from a loved one
  5. Practice Loving Kindness Meditation
    • Visualize someone that loves you unconditionally and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” Repeat this 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize yourself and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” Repeat 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize a loved one and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” Repeat 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize a friend and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize an acquaintance and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize someone that has hurt you and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize someone you dislike or hate and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize the whole planet and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” 3 – 6 times
    • Visualize yourself and say, or think, “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.” 3 – 6 times
  6. Visit Dr. Luskin’s website for 9 Steps to Forgive

A Settlement by Mary Oliver

Look, it’s spring. And last year’s loose dust has turned
into this soft willingness. The wind-flowers have come
up trembling, slowly the brackens are up-lifting their
curvaceous and pale bodies. The thrushes have come
home, none less than filled with mystery, sorrow,
happiness, music, ambition.

And I am walking out into all of this with nowhere to
go and no task undertaken but to turn the pages of
this beautiful world over and over, in the world of my mind.

* * *

Therefore, dark past,
I’m about to do it.
I’m about to forgive you

for everything.

About the Author

Rose Kress

Rose Kress ERYT-500, C-IAYT, YACEP, Owner/Director of the LifeForce Yoga Healing Institute, and author of Awakening Your Inner Radiance with LifeForce Yoga. She directs retreats and training programs on using LifeForce Yoga to manage your mood.

2 thoughts on “Forgiveness”

  1. Beautiful article! Deeply felt and clearly articulated. Thank you for your insight, Rose.

  2. Sara Titus says:

    This is a beautiful and timeless article. It reminds me of my favorite line in “Forgive”, a Trevor Hall song: “Forgiveness is a gift, so give yourself the gift from time to time”. Thanks for the reflection, Rose. Peace+

Leave a comment.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Sign up for our Research Newsletter

Cart

What People Say

“I feel profoundly transformed, both physically and emotionally. The connection between mind, body and spirit was clearly evident to me, but revealed to me through this workshop as an integrally vital link to overall health.” — Nadine Richardson, program manager at rehab agency, Monroe, CT
“My personal practice will change, as well as my yoga classes. I have a better understanding of yoga!” — Andrea Gattuso, RYT, Yoga Teacher, Hackettstown, N.J.
“I began a fantasy during the meditation exercise... almost as if I’d been there. It’s now an on-going work of fiction.” — Serian Strauss, Tanzania
“I learned lots of ways to reduce the anxiety and depression of my patients and myself.” – Aviva Sinvany-Nubel, PhD, APN, CNSC, RN, psychotherapist, Bridgewater, N.J.
“I have been reminded that I am not on this path alone, that others are sharing the journey that sometimes seems so difficult. I have also been reminded of the importance of daily practice and I will do that. The whole program has been an incredible experience for me. Thank you!” — Lorraine Plauth, retired teacher, Voorheesville, NY
“My patients can now have the same effects as many medications without having to actually take medication!” — Deborah Lubetkin, PSY.D, LFYP, West Caldwell, NJ
“Words do not do justice to all that I learned. This workshop changed my life!” — Jen Nolan, Teacher, Cortland, NY
“I have found the LFYP training to be incredibly useful in giving people specific tools to use in maintaining physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance, and further opening their intuitive abilities.” — Nancy Windheart, RYT-200, LFYP, Reiki Master, Animal communication teacher, Prescott, AZ
“I integrate strategies like mantra tones and pranayama, but above all I invite myself and those I teach to cultivate svadhyaya, to practice self-observation without judgment.” — Barbara Sherman, RYT 200, LFYP, Tucson, AZ
“I gained perspective of who I am in the world and this will change my life significantly.” — Mary Ford, artist, Southport, CT
“This workshop helped me rededicate my energies and begin to work through some of the blocks I’ve felt creatively.” — Steve Mark, college professor, New Haven, CT
“I came hoping to learn to move past some of the obstacles blocking my creativity. Over the course of this weekend, I feel I’ve gained a certain measure of faith in myself and in my ability to change. I also had some realizations that I believe will be very helpful to me. I feel encouraged. Both the content and presentation of this program were so well-thought out that I can’t think of any way to improve it.” — Andrea Gollin, writer & editor, Miami, FL
“I gained tools for working with my own depression and with my clients’ depressions.” — Robert Sgona, LCSW, RYT, psychotherapist, Yoga teacher, Camden, ME.
“A client who returned said, "When I came before, you helped me understand and get where I wanted to go. Now you show me yoga practices I use to help myself understand and get where I want to go.” — Sherry Rubin, LCSW, BCD, LFYP, Downingtown, PA
I absolutely love this stuff! I have been using it with my clients and I am just finding it to be so incredibly helpful. There seriously something for everything. Although I am not as skilled as I hope to be someday, even at my level of training I’m finding that I am beginning to figure out what to do. It just blows my mind! - Christine Brudnicki, MS, LPC
“My life is already changed! I will use the tools I learned in my own practice and in my work. I feel safe and seen.” — Susan Andrea Weiner, MA, teacher/expressive arts facilitator, El Cerrito, CA.
“I have gained an incredible opening and clearing of old obstructions. I hope to return to my life and fill this opening with things I love to do and that give me joy!” — Lisa Shine, administrative assistant, Ballston Lake, NY
“I utilize the LFY techniques in both a class room setting and one-on-one environment. The skills have infused my teachings with compassion, mindfulness, and awareness.” — Kat Larsen, CYT, LFYP
“This program changed my life in a significant way. It helped me connect with the spirit which is something you can’t get from psychotherapy and medication.” – G. W., artist, Pittsburgh, PA
“Giving my clients a strategy and permission to quiet their minds and rebalance the sympathetic nervous system has been very beneficial to them and in our work together.” — Sue Dilsworth, PhD, RYT 200, LFYP, Allendale, MI
“I have found the pranayama (breathing practices) especially easy to introduce in a clinical setting. Some people have benefited quickly in unexpected and transformative ways.” — Liz Brenner, LICSW, LFYP, Watertown, MA
“Yoga Skills for Therapists is the ideal resource for those who want to bring yoga practices into psychotherapy or healthcare. Weintraub, a leader in the field of yoga therapy, offers evidence-based, easy-to-introduce strategies for managing anxiety, improving mood, and relieving suffering. Helpful clinical insights and case examples emphasize safety, trust, and skillful adaptation to the individual, making it easy to apply the wisdom of yoga effectively in the therapeutic context.” — Kelly McGonigal, PhD, author, Yoga for Pain Relief, Editor-in-Chief, International Journal of Yoga Therapy
“This workshop has changed so much — my self-image and my life. My own heart’s desire is 100% clear. I gained tools to help myself and others to live life fully.” — Marcia Siegel, Yoga teacher, therapist, Carlsbad, CA.
“I have gained a softer heart, more receptive mind, and tools to enrich both personal and professional aspects of my life.” – Regina Trailweaver, LICSW, clinical social worker, Hancock, VT.
Scroll to Top